


How To Kill The Darkness

by theawkwardturtleduck



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 06:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8152394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theawkwardturtleduck/pseuds/theawkwardturtleduck
Summary: Basically, Bucky has to deal with anxiety. He's pretty good at pushing it away, but sometimes it gets overwhelming.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Not quite sure where I was going with this... Mostly I just think that Bucky would have a lot of guilt and anxiety conditioned into him and I wanted to give him a healthy way of coping. I also wanted to show that sometimes that kind of stuff doesn't go away. Sometimes there is no 'getting better' there is just learning to live with it as best as you can.

Bucky stepped into the cold Brooklyn evening. He hated the cold. History called him The Winter Soldier, but the cold always made his left shoulder ach and, more recently, brought back memories that he would rather forget. Memories of laying in the cold snow, waiting to die and not quite being able to. Memories of being found, and waking up in a cold room on a cold table. Memories of the murders he had carried out in cold blood.

Bucky shuddered and wrapped his coat tighter around himself before pushing the memories out of his mind. Tonight he and Steve had a date. It was there first proper date in this century, and the first time they had ever been able to be open about what they were doing.

Bucky remembered when Steve introduced him to the rest of the Avengers as his boyfriend. Natasha had grinned with smug satisfaction, but the rest had seemed shocked.

“I suppose it makes sense when you think about it” Bruce had said, “I mean, Steve here pretty much took on an entire Hydra base when he found out that Bucky had been captured, but the history books always said it was ‘brotherly love’ that drove him. I don’t know why I took that at face value.”

Steve grimaced. “It’s not exactly something we could go public about.” He said “Not if we wanted to be allowed to stay together.” 

After the initial surprise, everybody had accepted Bucky into their life pretty easily. He and Sam had a playful rivalry, Nat quickly became his best friend, and Tony was endlessly fascinated by his arm. All together, Bucky was very happy with how things turned out.

Bucky continued his walk to the restaurant he was meeting Steve at, feeling slightly better as the motion warmed his body. As he walked he scanned his surroundings, wary of every possible threat. Each stranger he passed was assessed, and each ally was noted as a possible escape route. 

Still, Bucky felt uneasy as he caught sight of himself in a window. He suddenly felt to big. Hydra would find him because of his size. He needed to change, needed to hide, needed to disappear, needed to- Bucky stopped his train of thought. He leaned against a wall and closed his eyes, letting his other senses explore his surroundings. Steve. He had to get to Steve. They had a date, and Bucky would be damned before he let his stupid head ruin the best thing in his life.

When he finally arrived at the restaurant, Steve was waiting for him, and Bucky felt the last traces of his anxiety fade away. This was going to be a good night. Bucky could finally take the man he loved on a proper date, and nobody would give them shit for it. Well, maybe a few people would, not everybody had liked that Captain America had a boyfriend, but most people had accepted their hero’s love life as none of their damn business. 

Bucky grinned at Steve, walking up and taking his hand. 

“You wait long?” Bucky asked, twining their fingers together. It felt good to be able to touch so casually.

“Nope.” Steve replied, popping his ‘p’ “Just got here. You ready?”

“I've been looking forward to this all day.” Bucky grinned at his boyfriend as they walked into the restaurant. It was a small mom and pop type of place called Millard’s; an old family run business that they both remembered from before the war. Back when they were teenagers, Bucky had worked there. It was the middle of the great depression, and even though he only made a little over thirty cents an hour, he never went home hungry and was often able to bring home leftovers for Steve.

Bucky had discovered Millard’s again by accident. He had been surfing the internet for a place to take Steve on a date when he found it. Bucky had been delighted to find that not only was Millard’s still open, but it was in the same place as it had been when Bucky worked there, and was run by the granddaughter of the original owner.

“So,” Steve said, breaking Bucky from his memories. “How was the interview?”

Bucky groaned at the question. He had been living in Stark Tower for almost six months, but though he was generally accepted by the Avengers as a friend, he hadn’t been give clearance by Fury to go on missions. Bucky wasn’t sure, but he thought that Steve might be behind Fury’s reluctance to let him on the field. Nobody questioned Bucky's loyalty, but many of the people the Avengers fought were the same people who had once used Bucky as ‘The Asset’, and nobody knew how deeply ingrained the Winter Soldier's instincts for obedience ran. 

Bucky didn’t put up a fight. It was kind of nice at first, not having a mission, but eventually he got bored. It was frustrating, watching everybody leave and sitting around until they came back. He felt useless and restless. After about two weeks of excruciating inactivity, he went to Fury asking to officially join the Avengers. Fury told him that he needed to pass a series of physical and psychological evaluations before he was allowed to join, but looked forward to having the most deadly assassin in the world on their side. The last of the psychological evaluations had been that afternoon.

“It went as well as can be expected.” He said, remembering the deeply personal questions he had endured. It hadn’t been fun, but it hadn’t been as bad as he had been expecting. Still, he had been left with a vague sense of unease after sharing so much information. “Fury said that I can join you on your next mission.”

Steve smiled. As much as he liked the idea of his lover out of harm's way, he also had full confidence in Bucky’s abilities and knew that Bucky would never be happy sitting on the sidelines.

“I’ll be glad to have you guarding my back.” Steve said as he found a table for them. It was a good spot, one of them would have a clear line of sight to the front door, and the other to the back room. It was fairly out of the way, but not so far back that they would be trapped in a corner if the worst were to happen. Bucky took his seat and scanned the room. Noting every escape route and possible weapon.

It was a nice evening. They got about an hour into their date before the press found them, but Bucky had warned the staff at Millard’s and the flashing lights stayed safely outside. By the time they were finished, the mob that had grown to watch Captain America and the infamous Winter Soldier subsided, bored with such a trivial outing. There were still a few, but nothing that Steve and Bucky couldn’t handle.

After extracting themselves from the throng of admires and protesters who liked to follow Steve wherever he went, the pair found themselves walking back to Stark Tower. It was wonderful, being able to hold Steve’s hand, and Bucky felt a quiet sense of contentment. He walked with Steve, basking in that contentment until they got to Stark Tower.

WHen they came to the front of the building, Bucky saw their reflection in the door to the tower. Steve was tall, blonde, and perfect. Holding Bucky’s hand and looking like he never wanted to let go. What drew Bucky’s eyes most though, was himself. His hair had been cut short, and his face was entirely exposed. As the Winter Soldier his face had always been covered, either with long hair or a mask. Bucky instinctively brought up his hand to shield his face from the cameras he knew were there before catching himself and using his hand to brush his hair back. He was safe. His identity was known and didn’t need to be protected. He was safe.

Bucky let out a breath as he pushed his thoughts away again. He walked through the door with Steve and into the elevator. Inside the small space, Steve pressed up against him and started running his lips along Bucky's neck. Bucky smiled at the gesture and remembered a time when Steve hadn’t been tall enough to reach his neck. Now they were almost the same height, with Steve being just a little bit taller.

Bucky closed his eyes and leaned into Steve, tilting his head to give him more access. The gentle brush of lips turned into soft kisses, which turned into small licks and little bites. Bucky sighed with pleasure. It felt good. Good in a way that Bucky had almost forgotten existed before he was reunited with Steve. They both jumped apart when the elevator door opened and Tony stepped in, smirking at their red faces.

“Oh please, don’t stop on my account.” Tony said, leaning up against the wall and wiping his grease smeared hands on his old work jeans. “It's not like this is a public space or anything.”

Steve went even redder at the reminder. He was open about his bisexuality and relationship with Bucky, but he had never been one for public displays of affection, even around the other Avengers.  
Bucky looked at himself in the shiny metal doors. He had been caught. He wasn’t suppose to have happiness, wasn’t suppose to have these stolen moments with Steve. If Hydra found out, he would be taken away. His memories wiped, reprogramed to do nothing other than kill. Bucky felt his shoulders tense, and forcibly relaxed them. He was safe. Tony was not a threat. He and Steve were dating, they were allowed to be affectionate. Bucky let out the breath he had been holding, and Steve glanced over at him.

“You all right there Buck?” Steve asked, noting the way he had fallen into a fighting stance.

“M’ fine.” Bucky replied, easing his stance and stepping back into Steve’s space. No more kissing, not with Tony in the elevator, but they could still be close. Steve’s warmth and solid strength helped Bucky feel at ease.

When the elevator arrived on the floor where Steve and Bucky lived, both men were happy to leave the restricting space. Tony hadn’t said anything, but he smirked at both of them in a way that made Bucky want to punch him.

“Use a condom!” Tony called as the elevator doors shut, causing Steve to go bright red again, and Bucky to roll his eyes.

Despite what the other Avengers might think, they hadn’t actually had Sex yet. Steve had insisted that Bucky work through his time as the Winter Soldier before adding sex to his already confused emotions. Again, Bucky hadn’t fought it. It was a reasonable request. Tonight, however, Bucky intended to change that status.

As soon as they were in their apartment, Steve was back to pressing his lips against Bucky’s neck. It was soft and sweet and Bucky gasped when Steve sunk his teeth into the meaty joint of his neck and shoulder. He smiled when Steve soothed the bite with gentle kisses and licks before nipping at the skin, sending sharp little points of pain to chase to soft kisses. The mix of soft and strong sensations had Bucky breathing heavily and leaning hard into Steve.

When Steve started trailing kisses over Bucky's collar bone and nosing his way around to the other side of his neck, Bucky decided that he had had enough. Pulling on Steve's hair, he brought their lips together for a proper kiss. 

Steve’s lips were soft and warm and he licked at Bucky’s lips softly, asking permission which was gladly granted. Bucky had never been huge on kissing with tongue, until he started kissing Steve. As they explored each others mouths, Bucky ran his hands down Steve’s chest, fining the hem of his shirt and lifting with an inquisitive grunt. Steve stepped back and removed his shirt, tossing it to the floor.

Bucky took a moment to stare. Steve had always been beautiful, even when he was small and skinny, but Bucky loved seeing Steve so healthy and in a body that so suited his personality. He stepped forward and placed his hands on Steve's chest, feeling the strength underneath his palms. He leaned forward and put his forehead on Steve’s shoulder, breathing in and relaxing as Steve wrapped him in his arms. They stood there for several moments, peaceful, until Bucky pushed away slightly and reached up for another kiss. Steve gladly gave it to him, and started tugging on Bucky’s shirt, not wanting to be the only one bare chested.

Bucky’s shirt joined Steve’s on the floor, and the two men started moving to the bedroom.

“Are you sure you want this?” Steve asked, taking Bucky’s hand as he opened the door to the bedroom.

“I’ve been waiting for this for months.” Bucky said, turning around to bring Steve in for another kiss. Steve grinned and followed his lover into the bedroom, flicking on the lights as he closed the door.

As soon as the lights came on, Bucky saw the mirror. It was standing in the same corner that it always was. Right by the dresser, ready to cast judgment on the outfit of the day. It wasn’t the mirror that made Bucky stop, but what he saw reflected in it. He saw himself. Lips red and wet from kissing, hair messy, and metal arm shining by his side. Bucky flinched. His metal arm. He had almost forgotten it existed until he saw if reflected back at him.

Bucky felt his skin becoming to tight. He needed a mission, he needed to be useful. He didn’t deserve pleasure, not after the horrors he had wrought on the innocent. The memories flashed before his eyes. The blood he had spilled coating his thoughts and congealing in dark, sticky memories of pain. Bucky felt cold even as he felt Steve’s warm arms wrap around him. He shouldn’t be touched. He didn’t deserve this affection. It was only a matter of time before Steve realized how evil Bucky was and became disgusted by him.

“You okay there Buck?” Steve asked, breaking through Bucky’s dark thoughts. Bucky let out a breath.

“I’ll be fine.” 

“I know you will, you’re the most resilient person I know. Im asking how you are right now.”

Bucky stood still for a moment, wondering how to answer. Logically, he knew that there was no threat, no reason for the fear coursing through his system. Steve would not leave him, and Hydra could not take him. But standing in the doorway, looking at himself in the mirror, all he could think about was how he had failed. If he had been stronger, if he had been more resilient, Hydra never would have taken over his mind. He had been cleared to join the other Avengers on missions, but how could he know that he wouldn’t fail them again? He was weak. He didn’t deserve to stand by Steve’s side.

Bucky’s soldiers started hunching as he pulled away from Steve. “I’ll be fine.” He repeated.

Steve looked concerned for a moment, and then understanding brightened his face. “Come on.” He said letting go of Bucky and collecting their shirts. “Let's go running.”

Bucky sighed as he put his shirt back on. It was stupid. They had been having a perfectly fine evening, and Bucky had ruined it with his stupid dark thoughts and stupid insecurities. Then again, what else could he expect? He wasn’t strong enough to resist Hydra, why should he be strong enough to resist his own mind? 

“You’re not weak you know.” Steve said. Bucky made a noncommittal grunt of acknowledgement. “I’m serious.” Steve continued, “You survived falling from the mountain, and being captured by Hydra and molded into a weapon. Even after all the conditioning and training you received, you still managed to break their hold on you. You are the strongest person I know.”

Bucky managed a small smile. He didn’t believe that he was strong, not yet, but hearing Steve believe in him made him feel slightly better.

This time, the elevator ride was uninterrupted as Steve and Bucky descended to the gym in the basement. When the doors finally opened to the training room, Bucky breathed a sigh of relief. Steve was right, nothing cleared his head like exercise. 

The training gym spanned the entire basement and all of the Avengers used it for practice, tonight however, it was blissfully empty. Bucky walked over the the treadmill and started an easy jog. As his muscles warmed to the exercise, he broke into a full run and settled into a rhythm of breathing. Beside him, Steve conected an MP3 player to the speaker system before he started his own series of exercises. Bucky turned his attention to the music, and cleared his mind of all thought. This was his only mission. Run. 

Bucky didn’t pay attention to how long he ran for, but the the timer on the machine told him it had been two hours by the time he eased back into a steady jog. He was dripping with sweat and his chest was heaving. His blood was pounding, but everything in he head was still. Steve watched him from where he was sitting, hair still wet from a shower. 

Steve grinned at Bucky from his place on the floor. “Feeling better?” he said, standing up as Bucky finally came to a stop.

“I could have managed without the intervention.” he said, leaning forward to rest his hands on his knees.

Steve snorted. “I know you could have,” he said “The point is you don’t have to. You should have seen how much time I spent in the gym when I first came out of the ice. It helps.”

Bucky nodded. “So it does.”

After a quick shower, Bucky and Steve headed back to their apartment. Bucky was still riding the high of exercise endorphins and pressed himself against Steve, kissing and nipping at his neck in the elevator. Steve laughed. “I take it we’re picking up where we left off?” he asked when Bucky started pulling at his shirt.

“Damn right we are” Bucky growled, pushing Steve out of the elevator and into their front room. Soon, both men had lost their shirts and Bucky was leading Steve to the bedroom. 

As they continued divesting each other of clothes, Buck thought about how lucky he was. Not only had he found the man he loved, but he was loved back, baggage and all. He may never fully recover from being the Winter Soldier, Hydra really fucked with his head, but Bucky was confident that even when his demons rose up to suffocate him, he would survive. Nothing was going to take this happiness from him, not even his own mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I'm a brand new writer. Let me know if you have any advice on how to improve!


End file.
